Fear of change
Is it really a lack of willpower to change?
We have heard or read several times that we must have the willpower to change and fight for what we want. Is it just willpower or lack of it? Is there something intrinsic in us that makes us afraid of change and uncertainty?
The science behind the fear of uncertainty
Millions of years ago, when we were subject to attack by predators, it was important to fear the unknown to protect ourselves.
This study concluded that our brain prefers negative results to uncertain results. He also concluded that the area of the brain that controls these responses, the striatum, also tries to calculate the probability of positive and negative results, and the response under the effect of stress is higher when the latter considers the probability to be 50% (and not when the result is 100% negative).
It is at this time that we develop what is called “Fight or Flight” so that, when faced with situations of danger, a series of reactions will trigger in our body so that we can either fight or flee from danger. When we have large amounts of dopamine, striatum makes our heart start to beat faster, taking more blood to the muscles, heart and other organs, we start to breathe faster, some pathways in the lungs open up for oxygen to enter is bigger, most of the oxygen is sent to the brain so that we can be more alert and our senses (hearing, smell, taste) become more refined.
Still in the same study, a third conclusion was that the people who were most aware of the possibility of uncertainty were those who managed to deal with the situation better. That is, the people who, instead of ignoring being uncertain but accepting that it is and working accordingly, were the ones who had the best results.
This is not a post to stop trying to fight for what you want, on the contrary. This is a post to understand that you are normal, that you are afraid to change and that you are not alone.
And that’s why we’re afraid of change
Our brain prefers certainty. Uncertainty generates a great alert response by our brain. That’s why we speculate, we prefer to create a fictional scenario than not knowing what to do.
We also have, as a rule, difficulties in accepting that life is made up of stages and learning to accept the end of each one, and the beginning of the next. For example, judging that we don’t like to go to school or college and, after finishing school, we start thinking about the friends that we will not see daily, in the sense of freedom that you feel, etc.
We tend to be afraid to fail. You can review the post on 8 Things you can do to practice self-love and compassion and How to be more present and control your bad elf.
And this is what they can do to deal with the fear of change
Life is made up of uncertainties, no matter how much we try, and manage to control, there will always be situations that are beyond our reach. The change, despite often causing uncertainty, can bring personal or professional growth that will make us better.
If we are ever going to have uncertainty in life, regardless of our choices, how can we deal with these situations?
A stone in the way doesn’t mean it’s a wall
When you try something new, completely out of your control zone, it is normal to fail. The moment a baby is born, he does not know how to walk and does not begin to do so at a glance. First you start by crawling, then you walk with help, then you take the first steps by yourself, fall, and try again.
Last summer, I went on holiday with my god-daughter, who was just over 14 months old, and it was about the time she started trying to stand up, alone. I walked with my arms in the air to gain balance, it was the way she managed to try to improve walking without falling, whenever she started walking faster, and I said, “Balance yourself” but she continues to and ended up falling after a while. After 10 min she was again standing up and trying to walk, and the same scenario was repeated, she started to accelerate, and I repeated “Balance yourself” and she would slow down and put her arms in the air to balance herself. This was repeated for most of the week that I was with her. Have you ever imagined what the world would be like if all babies stopped trying to get up to walk after the first fall?
“Those with the growth mindset found setbacks motivating. They’re informative. They’re a wake-up call. ” Carol S. Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
But get ready for these stones
Preparing yourself for the stones will help you to anticipate them, to think about the various scenarios and the probabilities of each one and also what you could do in each situation. Allow yourself to have an open mind to try new things and give yourself space to fail, learn, practice, fail, learn, practice, … repeating this
In my case, when I need to write, but I am uninspired to do so, I will not continue in front of the computer waiting for the inspiration to appear. Instead, I will walk or just get up and stretch my legs, arms and rest for 5 minutes and then try again. I now know that I write better in the morning because initially, I tried to write in the morning and in the afternoon for several days, and I was more successful in the morning. It is essential to experiment and gradually change the routine if you feel that you find yourself a stone on the way.
“Parents think they can hand children permanent confidence — like a gift — by praising their brains and talent. It doesn’t work, and in fact has the opposite effect. It makes children doubt themselves as soon as anything is hard or anything goes wrong. If parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, seek new strategies, and keep on learning. That way, their children don’t have to be slaves of praise. They will have a lifelong way to build and repair their own confidence. ” Carol S. Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
“If you don’t give anything, don’t expect anything. Success is not coming to you, you must come to it. ” Carol S. Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
And learn from them
Returning to the example of my god-daughter, she did not suddenly start to put her arms in the air and slow down when she realized she was about to fall, but she did learn with each fall. To evolve and not be constantly making the same mistakes, it is necessary to stop, reflect on what we have learned and apply these learnings in the next times.
Don’t look at the top of the mountain, look at the next climb
The principle of Rule 80/20 or Pareto’s principle tells us that 80% of the results are caused by 20% of the causes. This concept is widely used in the context of business and economics. We can, however, apply this concept to more areas, such as personal life. If we define an objective that depends on several factors, and that we are a long way from it, it is important to define small goals or steps that will contribute to get there and focus on the first or the one that has the greatest impact. Once you divide the big, distant goal into small goals, it will appear smaller, closer and more achievable.
Returning to the example of babies, when teaching a child to speak, we do not expect him to suddenly start saying a dissertation, we repeat small words, then evolve into an expression, then a phrase, etc. I therefore recommend that you follow the same method with you, “baby steps”.
Life is not the fruit of circumstances around you, but the fruit of your choices adapted to the circumstances
Do not focus on what you cannot control, we all have different circumstances of life, our genes, the city where we were born, the environment in which we grew up, the education we were given, the people we met in life, are all things that you can control but that, we can remove what we like most and least and, making choices according to the circumstances and not living submissive of them.
“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” — Charles R. Swindoll
Don’t fear success
Have you ever found or realized that someone believes that if a certain person is successful, is it because he / she had to “go over someone” or associate with someone who shouldn’t or simply did something wrong? Or just assume that the person was successful because he was lucky? Totally disregarding all the effort and dedication that the person may have made to be successful.
I have already, and it is not always easy to think that if we were the successful assets that someone would think badly of us. On the one hand, human beings want to be happy but on the other they also want to feel accepted. For example, the humanist and psychologist Abraham Maslow theorized that there are areas of human need and put the sense of love and being accepted is a need that comes before self-realization.
This study concluded that the fear of happiness is associated with culture and religion. There are some cultures and religions that may be associated with successful recrimination because assuming a balance, if someone is very successful, there is someone at the opposite extreme.
But success and happiness should not be seen as a goal but as a process. We must associate success with each step to the top of the mountain and not simply to the top.
Think rationally about your fears
Try to apply the steps I talk about in this post on how to control your evil elf (the inner voice that tells you can’t).
“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” — Mahatma Gandhi
Final thoughts
In this publication I talked about why all of us are intrinsically afraid of change, some more others less but it is inherent to the human being to try to maintain balance in the body (homeostasis) and in those around us (a capacity that allowed us not to be eaten by predators) .
I am also talking about why our brain prefers to invent a hypothetical scenario rather than having no scenario at all. The tendency to have difficulties accepting the ending of certain chapters in life and fearing failure also makes us afraid of change.
Finally, I present a guide of what they can do to try to get around this fear.
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