What to invest in each relationship
February is the month of love. Despite not celebrating Valentine’s Day in over 10 years, I thought it would be a good topic to talk about this month.
In the game of life, there are 8 areas that I focus on in my Health Coaching Program. In December, we found out if you were building your dream career, in January we saw how you could learn from your experiences and how to use creativity to plan your goals. Relations are the third area that I come to talk to you about.
According to Wikipedia, Valentine’s Day may have been to honour the death of a bishop named Valentine for continuing to celebrate marriages during the war or to celebrate a tradition of beating women to ensure fertility. And the tradition of gifts came about because a genius remembered to make cards and won a lot of money.
I will continue without celebrating Valentine’s Day. But, regardless of this, relationships, be they love, family, friendship, work, etc., are something important for our well-being. We are a species that has evolved in community, and as such we are happiest when we maintain good relationships.
The impact of loneliness
Neuroscientist John Cacioppo has studied the impacts of loneliness for over 20 years. Here, he has an interview by The Guardian magazine of the scientist. The conclusions of the years of study are that the perception of loneliness is a risk factor at all ages and should be considered a risk factor for all causes of mortality, such as obesity, diabetes, etc.
Research has linked social isolation and loneliness to higher risks for a variety of physical and mental conditions: high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, a weakened immune system, anxiety, depression, cognitive decline, Alzheimer’s disease, and even death.
Here you can listen to the neuroscientist on a TedTalk about the consequences of solidarity and 3 steps to take when you have these feelings.
💡 Being alone is not the same as loneliness. A person can be alone and not feel lonely, and a person can be in a crowd and feel lonely. Being alone doesn’t mean being a failure.
In this post, I talk about the importance of maintaining healthy relationships.
Human relationships and needs
The 10 needs in relationships
According to coach Tony Robbins, we have 10 emotional needs that are the basis of why we do everything we do, it is what guides and motivates us daily.
- Certainty — Need for comfort. This is a more basic need, it is in our mechanism of evolution as a species. Certainty in a relationship gives us the comfort of knowing that the person will be there in good times and bad.
- Variety — Variety creates excitement and makes us feel alive. Variety for some people may be the need to meet new people or people from different cultures. It can also be participating in different activities with the same people.
- Meaning — Feeling that our life has meaning, that we are important. In the context of relationships, we need to feel special to someone, to feel that we have special meaning, whether loving or not.
- Love and connection — Connection is less deep and love is deeper. Connection can be felt through shared interests and deep conversations. It doesn’t mean that you have to agree on everything, but that you have similar values that guide you. Love is deeper than connection, which is the feeling that can sustain relationships after the first few months that are fairytales for most couples.
- Growth — Do you feel challenged to grow, that you have the capacity and the knowledge to do so.
- Contribution — Getting the perception that we are helping someone mentally, emotionally, physically or spiritually. This need and growth are related. If, on the one hand, growth can come from us or can be driven by someone in the relationship, the contribution is this boost on our part towards someone else.
- Intimacy — This is one of the needs that can cause a greater taboo, but it is one that is in our DNA. Without this intimacy, it would not be possible to generate life.
- Humour — We require humour and lightness at certain times so that we can relax from the stressful moments of everyday life.
- Validation and support — It’s important to feel that we have someone’s support in difficult times and to feel that they give us validation in our achievements.
- Forgiveness — To forgive and be forgiven. Feeling that we are forgiven when we fail in small situations. The first step is to be able to forgive ourselves, to have compassion for ourselves. For forgiveness to others, we have to be able to forgive the person but respecting ourselves, not staying in abusive relationships.
Types of relationships
There are several categories into which we can fit our relationships. If on the one hand we have family and co-workers, relationships that do not depend on us, on the other hand we have a loving relationship, friendship, and support group that is completely dependent on us.
Some examples of relationship categories are:
- loving
- friendship
- familiar
- co-workers
- support group
Regardless of whether we can choose people, we can always decide how much we want to invest in each relationship. This must be defined according to what our belief is regarding each category of relationship.
How to define what to invest in each relationship
What is your definition of a friend in terms of fulfilling specific needs? What needs should a family member meet? A good relationship for your is… ? When do you go to your support group? Do your friends match your support group?
For example, for me, my support group has to be able to fill needs for forgiveness, validation, support, and growth. On the other hand, I need to feel that I contribute in some way for her/his improvement. I want variety in the sense that I don’t need us to agree on everything but have an atmosphere of certainty to be able to share and give opinions without fear. These are the priority requires for me, which can change temporally and phase in my life. It is possible that at certain times you require more humour, other times forgiveness.
The definition of each group of relationships depends on what is important to us, based on our experiences, current life stages and projects.
Relationships are how two or more people connect, and as such, while we are free to choose how much time we want to invest in relationships, so are others for us. It is significant to understand how others feel around us and to know if we can and want to readapt to better meet the needs of others. Read this post where I talk about how to maintain a good relationship and where in Tip 5 I talk a little about when we should or shouldn’t change.
People often have difficulty identifying their needs and mistakenly try to fill one need with a different one or rely on someone who cannot meet that specific need.
💡 One person can rarely satisfy all needs! It is significant to reflect on what needs are unmet and what category of relationship we need for them. On the other hand, it is important to review current relationships and see if they fulfil the needs that we think they should.
The people around you cannot and will not take responsibility for your decisions or lack thereof. Life is yours, and only you can decide how to think and act in each situation. But, the people around you can make it easier or harder, help you get up or help you fall. And you, you get to choose what kinds of people you want by your side.
Coach Corner
List the relationship groups around you? For example, love, friendship, support groups, co-workers, etc.
What are the needs that each group should ideally fulfil? What is your definition of friendship, love relationship, etc.?
Now reflect on the people you have in your group life.
Which relationships meet your needs? Have you sent them a “Thank You” message this week?
Which relationships don’t meet your needs? Can you improve or let go of this relationship? Increase the time invested in the relationship? Have an open and honest conversation with this person?
Remember this post was about relationships but before you can succeed in a relationship you need to be at peace with yourself. Only then can you give and receive friendship and love.
Read this post on How to Increase Self-Love and Self-Compassion and this How to Be More Present and Control Your Bad Elf.
You just read another post from Mafalda Lima | SuperUS Health Coaching: a holistic health website dedicated to sharing knowledge to make you become the super version of yourself.
